He is the author of 13 books including Uncommom Sense, the Spiritual Chocolate series, Grandpa's Store, Minister's Guidebook insights from a fellow minister. His column is published weekly in over 600 publications in all 50 states. The views expressed are those of the author and are not necessarily representative of any other group or organization. We welcome comments and views from our readers. Submit your letters to the editor or commentary on a current event 24/7 to editor@oursentinel.com.
Guest Commentary |Cutting ties with a friend or relative is difficult
Moving in: How to build connections in your new community
Whether it’s finding a friendly face to share a cup of coffee with or someone to rely on in times of need, the benefits of fostering community connections are immense. Here are practical steps to help you quickly and effectively build these essential ties in your new city.
Finding information about upcoming events can be simple with a few strategies:
- Community Bulletin Boards: Check bulletin boards at local libraries, coffee shops, and community centers.
- Local Newspapers: Browse the events section in local newspapers or online editions.
- Social Media: Follow local community groups, pages, and event listings on platforms like Facebook and Instagram.
- City Websites: Visit the official city or town website for a calendar of events and activities.
- Word of Mouth: Talk to neighbors and new acquaintances about events they recommend. Regularly attending these events, you stay informed and find countless opportunities to meet people who might share your interests, such as gardening tips or home renovation ideas, enhancing your sense of belonging in the community.
Nextdoor is another valuable platform specifically designed for neighborhood connections. It allows you to communicate with nearby residents, share resources, and stay updated on local happenings. Meetup is ideal for finding social groups and activities based on your hobbies and interests, whether a book club, hiking group, or a professional network.
Nourish hearts and minds: The unseen benefits of eating together
Guest Commentary | A person of many companions may soon come to ruin
You may have heard this before. I went out to find a friend a none were to be found. I went out to be a friend and found them all around. Where do you find friends? Your best friends may be your family. You may be close to siblings, cousins, and others related to you. Growing up, I was blessed to be around a lot of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, siblings, and parents. I didn’t have to think much about searching for friends because so many relatives were always around. This is not always the case. Many people have small families or maybe even no family. Some families go in different directions, live in different places, or move on with different interests and lives.
The Internet and social media have become the world’s biggest connection place.
He is the author of 13 books including Uncommom Sense, the Spiritual Chocolate series, Grandpa's Store, Minister's Guidebook insights from a fellow minister. His column is published weekly in over 600 publications in all 50 states. The views expressed are those of the author and are not necessarily representative of any other group or organization. We welcome comments and views from our readers. Submit your letters to the editor or commentary on a current event 24/7 to editor@oursentinel.com.
Moving on: When it's time to break up with a friend?
Holding on to a friendship that you aren't genuinely interested in maintaining can lead to resentment.
Charles and Viktor (both names changed to protect their identities) had been friends for over a decade. Drinking buddies and lacrosse teammates in college, they found jobs in the same city. With similar interests, they became close friends.
A few years before the 2020 election, Charles started to change. His political views became increasingly intolerable. Viktor's wife could no longer stand to be around Charles, as his misogynistic and racist comments were a source of constant disgust and discussion.
Just like any other relationship, some friends are only meant to be part of your life for a reason or a season, rather than a lifetime. The problem is, no one really talks about how to evaluate your friendships and let go of the ones that are no longer adding value to your life.
While an overwhelming majority (77%) of respondents in a recent Bumble For Friends survey* believe that friends are one of the main factors to a happy and healthy life, 42% have never intentionally evaluated the existing friendships in their lives, and 1 in 4 (25%) agree that they are stuck in outdated friendships that no longer serve them.
Danielle Bayard Jackson, Bumble For Friends’ friendship expert, shares her advice on how to intentionally assess your friendships so that you can find peace in letting go of the ones you’ve outgrown. She suggests starting by asking yourself these questions:
Does the friendship feel like an obligation?
Many people have circumstantial friendships, meaning relationships that are mostly based on convenience, such as taking the same classes or having the same hobbies. Bumble For Friends’ survey* found that 1 in 3 (35%) people have these kinds of friendships — they're common, and they add value to life by offering a certain kind of companionship. However, when these friendships become obligatory, meaning that you maintain them out of a sense of duty, it’s time to reassess.
Why are you maintaining the friendship?
It took almost a year for Charles and Viktor to go on their own separate ways. They would talk on holidays and occasionally do lunch a couple of times a year to catch up. Vicky was happy, and Viktor felt relieved he no longer had to endure his friend's ultra-right banter.
One of the most common reasons why people hold on to friendships that no longer serve them is that they feel they owe it to history. They may also feel scared that if they let a friendship go, they’ll have a hard time finding new friendships. If the reasons you’ve elected to keep a friendship don't include a value-add to your life, then it might be time to mend or end the relationship.
What is maintaining the friendship costing you?
Holding on to a friendship that you aren’t genuinely interested in maintaining can lead to resentment, as you’re investing time, energy and emotional bandwidth that you most likely can’t afford. It can also impact your other friendships, as you’re dedicating space that you could be using on friends that fill your cup. There are only so many hours in the day, so it’s important to focus on friendships that positively impact your life.
If you decide that it’s time to part ways with the friendship, Jackson recommends a three-step formula for approaching the conversation:
- Show that you’re intentional about the decision. Say, “Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot lately….”
- Address your needs without blaming the other person. Use ‘I’ statements as much as you can; rather than “you are never there for me when I need you...,” try saying, “I need friendships in my life that can prioritize and support me in times of need.”
- Tell them how much you appreciate them and what your intention is for moving forward. This could be, “I have appreciated our friendship so much, and you have been such an integral part of my life. However, I won’t be able to show up in this friendship in the same way that I have before.”
“Sometimes letting go is the first step toward creating a stronger friendship circle,” says Jackson. “Ending a friendship that no longer fits doesn't make you mean or disloyal. Instead, it creates space for the both of you to be better positioned to invite new connections into your lives.”
If things have changed in your life and you feel like you've maybe outgrown a friendship, Jackson suggests intentionally doing things to form new friendships — whether that be joining group activities, asking friends of friends to tag along to their next event, or downloading Bumble For Friends, the friendship-finding mode on the Bumble app. By putting yourself out there, you’ll be on the right track to creating a stronger social circle around you.
For more expert advice on building (and maintaining) strong friendships, visit bumble.com/bff.
*Research was commissioned by Bumble and carried out online by Censuswide in February 2023 amongst a sample of more than 1,000 US adults who have either attended college or are currently in college.
Guest Commentary | Addictions and mental illnesses are issues that people are afraid to address
Honesty is not always the easiest path but it’s usually the most loving path. Let’s say you have a loved one or friend who is diabetic but they eat crazy stuff every day from pizza to cookies to soda pop without regard for personal health. Is it best for you to treat them to treats containing white flour and sugar every chance you can or to have a talk with them? Of course, you run the risk of hurting feelings or making the person angry but chances are they are going to die sooner than they should. It’s best to try to save the person’s life by being honest. You don’t have to cut the person’s head off with a verbal assault or face slapping rhetoric. Love doesn’t attack people. You shouldn’t get preachy because this runs most people away. Simply preface your remarks by saying, “I’m your friend. I care about you and your life. I want you to live a long time. However, if you don’t stop eating what you eat all the time you are probably going to shorten your life.” This could pertain to any negative activity or addiction. Having serious conversations with people is not easy. We are all busy. We aren’t close enough to most people to be this direct. Plus, we really have to care a lot about someone to be lovingly honest. We run the risk of the friendship becoming strained or evenly totally severed. The bottom line is do you care enough to be honest? Plus, don’t ever start making life recommendations to someone unless you truly love the person and are willing to help the individual work through the issues. It’s easier to let people continue on their negative path to self destruction. Fast food and unhealthy food items are unfortunately much more affordable. It’s not cheap to eat healthy. It’s not cheap to be sick either. Medical bills can pile up quickly. Trips to the doctor are expensive. Diabetic medications are expensive. Kidney issues result in dealth for many Americans every year. Funerals are expensive. Giving up a good friend or family member is life changing. Disease happens to us all in some way. These bodies are very vulnerable to cancer, diabetes and so on. Chances are you may have tried. Most likely you have talked your head off to someone you love but they continue in their negative behavior. It seems many people under 50 can’t fathom sickness or death. The consequences of their behavior seem remote or even impossible. Thus they continue on their way. Of course we all have to look in the mirror. We all wrestle with our private and public demons. Most of us know we aren’t perfect and if we take a serious inventory of our lives and habits we realize we all come away short of perfection, this is especially true of me. I have lots of personal work to do and it’s all I can do to try to do my own daily diagnosis and repair work. This is why we don’t take the time to try to help others; we have enough problems of our own. Therefore, this is why you have to really care a lot about someone to take the time to try to help the person. If you had the gift of premonition and could keep someone from being killed in an accident you wouldn’t hesitate to speak with them about it. So, why, if you can help someone address personal issues/addictions that might be deadly, wouldn’t you try? Unfortunately, addictions and mental illnesses are issues that people seem to be afraid to address. If someone you love was inside a burning building, most of us would risk our own lives to rush in and save them. Why is it so hard to risk hurt feelings to save a life?
Dr. Glenn Mollette is a syndicated American columnist and author of Grandpa's Store, American Issues, and ten other books. He is read in all 50 states. The views expressed are those of the author and are not necessarily representative of any other group or organization.
This article is the sole opinions of the author and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Sentinel. We welcome comments and views from our readers. Submit your letters to the editor or commentary on a current event 24/7 to editor@oursentinel.com.
The good news is that whether you’re a Gen Z-er hosting your first Friendsgiving on a budget or you’re a busy family preparing for guests, there is a lot to be thankful for this year.
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