The Sentinel: Marriage

Is modern dating really broken? A study says not really

Photo: Nathan Dumlao/Unsplash

(SNS)- Dating has never been easy.

It is hard because it involves navigating a complex mix of emotions, expectations, and external pressures. From high standards and fear of rejection to miscommunication and cultural influences, the challenges vary from person to person and relationship to relations.

Add into the mix social isolation created by technology, pandemic lockdowns and potential partners’ unrealistic expectations from movies and TV shows that show failling in love as effortless and magical, setting unrealistic expectations for real-life relationships. Yeah, finding the love your life is hard.

Pop culture critiques tend to regard today's dating ritual as "broken".

Two studies performed a decade apart found that college students' ideas about romantic relationships have largely remained unchanged over time, according to study leader Brian Ogolsky, a professor of human development and family studies at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign.

couple dancing

Photo: Unsplash/Anthony Tran

"College students in our study did not share this perception of dating as a broken system, despite many massive cultural shifts during this decade," Ogolsky said, dispelling the popular myth that today's singles are unability to find a romantic partner because dating culture is 'broken'. "Their perspectives on relationships today aren’t that different from what they were 10 years ago — or even 10 years before that. Instead, young adults are taking more diverse and multifaceted pathways through romantic partnering and considering a broader range of outcomes."

The study asked 250 college students between the ages 18-29 to "describe their thoughts and experiences about the typical initiation and progression of romantic relationships." The initial research started in 2012 and it was ran again in 2021.

Based upon participants’ responses, the researchers identified four stages in relationship development: flirtationship, testing relationship potential, being in a relationship, and commitment.

Commitment or Bust, is the point where a couple agrees to a long-term commitment

Flirtationship is the initial stage where attraction begins, often through flirting and shared interests, either online or in person.

The next step is Testing Relationship Potential, where the couple spends more time together, engages in deep conversations, and determines if they want to pursue a serious relationship, with friendship playing a key role.

When a couple reaches the third stage, their romantic needs have been met and their status as a couple is made official. The "In a Relationship" level usually denotes that mutual boundaries have been defined, such as a commitment to exclusivity and supporting each other emotionally, financially, and in their individual careers. At this point, couples are introducing their partner into their social circles and family.

“Young adults clearly distinguish dating from being in a relationship,” Ogolsky told the Illinois News Bureau. “In our study, we used the term ‘relationship development’ to describe the activities we were investigating, but it became clear that participants did not view early behaviors as part of being in a relationship per se. Instead, they viewed flirting and even dating as part of a broader pattern of interpersonal interaction that may or may not eventually lead to the formation of a relationship.”

Depending on external pressure from family, friends, or their cultural background, the final stage, Commitment or Bust, is the point where a couple agrees to a long-term commitment, either living together or getting married. Or, in the worst case for one or both partners, they may choose to move on in search of their happily ever after with someone else.

Ogolsky speculated that during the ten year period, the rapid growth in social media and dating apps would greatly affect how today's students approached dating.

"When we ask people about relationship prototypes, they’re not talking about technology," he explained. "They’re thinking about relationships in broad strokes. And we found it interesting that the centerpiece of relationships was not dating apps, artificial intelligence or robots or all the other things we may have predicted 25 or 40 years ago."

Traditional relationship milestones like engagement and marriage are no longer seen as necessary next steps these days.

Today, more young adults value the freedom and flexibility of being single, enjoying the ability to make decisions without considering a spouse or partner. Many prioritize bucket lists - travel, personal development, and reaching career goals - before settling into a lifelong commitment.

Observing failed marriages among friends or family members, especially a messy one or two, is powerful deterant. According to the Centers for Disease Prevention and Control (CDC), the current divorce rate nationwide is around 42%. The average first marriage lasts about eight years.

Financial instability due to changing career changes, debt, inflation, and student loans payback often delay couples entering into marriage. The cost of a modest wedding for two hundred guests is eye-opening.

Traditional relationship milestones like engagement and marriage are no longer seen as necessary next steps these days. Couples are choosing alternative paths such as cohabitation or long-term partnerships without marriage. While the steps to long-term commitmment may have not deviated that much in the past decade, navigating to that point certainly has.

Guest Commentary |
Give your life one more chance

by Glenn Mollette, Guest Commentator

Glenn Mollette

Too often we quit right at the time we were close to being successful. Frequently, we give up at the darkest part of the night when morning was so close to appearing.

You may have spent a lifetime trying to conquer an addiction. Your addiction has colored your life in an unflattering way. Most likely it’s affected your success, finances, and your relationships.

Answer this question, is your addiction worth what it has cost you? Do you really derive that much pleasure from the very thing that keeps tearing you apart and bringing you down? We both know the answer, and it’s a big no. Yet, you keep going back to what brings you down. Why not try one more time? This could be the year that you turn the corner and the page for a new and better you.

You may feel as if your marriage and relationship with your spouse has failed. He or she has failed, you have failed, you both have given up, and let your marriage die. What could he or she do differently? What can you do differently?

No one is perfect. Another man or woman will have their own issues of some kind. We are imperfect people. Is your marriage worth saving? What about all the years, toil, work, and life that you have shared with this other person? Is it not worth giving it one more try? If you give it one more honest effort at least you’ll know that you tried and that will be worth some peace of mind down the road.

Sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk and deal with any and every issue that you feel is important to making your marriage work. Talk it out, pray it out, be completely real. There was something about this person that made you love and marry him/her, so go back and give it one more concerted effort at making it really work.

Every human has had some kind of life failure. Abraham Lincoln lost election after election. Losing an election is gut wrenching but he kept trying. President Donald Trump has been through about as much as anyone I’ve known but came back to be our President. Most of us would have given up long ago and could never have survived all he has been through. What do you need to try one more time?

What about your weight loss? Are you tired of feeling bad, having clothes that won’t fit, and watching your health decline because you are carry 20 or 30 pounds you don’t need? You have probably lost 10 or 20 pounds and then put it right back on. We’ve all done this more than once. It’s easy to do. As Dolly Parton said, “There is a fat person inside me trying to get out.”

I feel the same way. Why not get real religious about your eating. It’s 95% about your eating. Exercise helps but it’s mostly about your eating. Go to small portions three or four times a day. This way you’ll not be starving and you’ll slowly lose about a pound a week. In six months, you’ll be so happy you’ll be singing and dancing.

Don’t give up on God. He will help you with all the above and more. The old song asks this question, “Have you failed in your plan of your storm-tossed life? Place your hand in the nail-scarred hand. Are you weary and worn from its toil and strife? Place your hand in the nail-scarred hand. He will keep to the end, He’s your dearest friend. Place your hand in the nail-scarred hand.”

About the author ~

Glen Mollett is the author of 13 books including Uncommom Sense, the Spiritual Chocolate series, Grandpa's Store, Minister's Guidebook insights from a fellow minister. His column is published weekly in over 600 publications in all 50 states.

The views expressed are those of the author and are not necessarily representative of any other group or organization. We welcome comments and views from our readers. Submit your letters to the editor or commentary on a current event 24/7 to editor@oursentinel.com.

Related Sentinel articles ~

Guest Commentary |
For better or worse

by Glenn Mollette, Guest Commentator

Words are easier than actions. For example, “for better, for worse.” Couples traditionally say these words when they marry. They mean the words at the time. They have no idea what they are saying.

No one can really know what they are saying because they are clueless what the future will bring. Sticking together in marriage is easier when it’s all “for better”. Often life changes direction and it seems everything becomes “for worse.”

Financial difficulties, troubled children, aging parents, life failures, addictions, personality disorders and sickness all have a way of cooling the marital flame.

When a couple first marries everything is about love and nothing else matters. However, eventually everyone faces problems. Sometimes they come early in life and sometimes not until the later years of life. Make no mistake, if you and your spouse live long enough you will face difficulties that will mentally and physically push you to and beyond your limits.

We have to grasp the fact that no matter who you live with there will come a time when you will be a caregiver or need someone to take care of you. The only way to avoid this is to die while you are still physically and mentally independent. There is some kind of weird blessing about just falling over dead or not waking up one morning. It’s a shock to those left behind but you avoid the nursing home and some of the crippling disabilities that eventually happen in life.

None of us want to just fall over dead during our active years. We all want to live to a 100 and then just suddenly move over into heaven. This may be the way you will go and maybe you won’t. None of us know how our lives will end. I suppose it’s best that we don’t know.

If you are blessed with a mate, reach a mutual understanding early on that you are going to see each other through the tough times. It might be all on you to do the caregiving and that’s never easy but it’s easier than being the one inflicted with the illness. If you are the caregiver you can get some rest and restore. The person who is sick never gets a break.

Sadly, some people can’t hold out and give up. People are human beings and not machines. People wear down and are often unable to cope when sickness and troubles are more than they can handle. Try to not be condemning of these people as you are not the one living their lives.

If two people can mutually hang tight through the “for worse” period of life they can help each other to discover a little more “better” even during the very worst of times.

For more insights into this column please read First Corinthians chapter 13 from the Bible. Keep in mind that hard times are not easy times but you can find joy and peace by seeing yourself and your mate through the “worse” times of life.

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He is the author of 13 books including Uncommom Sense, the Spiritual Chocolate series, Grandpa's Store, Minister's Guidebook insights from a fellow minister. His column is published weekly in over 600 publications in all 50 states. The views expressed are those of the author and are not necessarily representative of any other group or organization. We welcome comments and views from our readers. Submit your letters to the editor or commentary on a current event 24/7 to editor@oursentinel.com.

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Wedding on a budget? Save money with a smart plan

Photo: Sergio Souza/Pexels

NewsUSA -- The to-do list for newly engaged couples can be daunting. Finding a venue, booking a caterer, choosing a dress -- there are many details that need to be factored into a wedding budget, regardless of who is paying. Starting a new life together is a perfect opportunity to establish solid financial habits that will serve you well throughout your marriage.

With the pandemic slowly fading into the rearview mirror, most young couples probably won't have the budget or resources to have that storybook ceremony the bride has dreamed of since she was a child. An intimate setting with 40-50 guests may be a better option. Today's wedding budget should be something the bride and groom pay for comfortably. After all, there's no need to go into debt to impress a gathering of family and friends.

Setting your priorities as a couple early on will set the tone for financial decisions in the future.

A CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ professional can help couples develop a smart plan to manage engagement and wedding expenses. Setting priorities early on can help avoid conflicts as the big day approaches. Start by considering these four elements of planning for wedding expenses:

Make a list. Write down everything you both need or want for your dream wedding. That includes items large and small, from the number of guests to the types of flowers or favors.
Rank the list. Now that you have your list, put things in order of priority. Assign a number to each item in order of importance, such as a live band, sit-down dinner or elaborate cake. Or start by sorting needs and wants into categories, using 1 as most important, 2 as moderately important and 3 as least important. You will need to agree on the most important items, whatever those may be.
Budget the list. Assign an estimated price to each category or item, according to how much you are able and willing to spend. Consider cutting back on flowers in order to fund a sit-down dinner, for instance, or opt for a buffet-style dinner so you can invite more guests.
Listen to the lists. This is the time to be a good listener. Hear what your partner has to say about needs and wants; what is important to one of you may not be as important to the other. Financial compromise is a skill that will serve you throughout married life.

Data from loan services show that approximately 45% of couples racked up debt to pay for their wedding, and that ultimately the debt resulted in consideration of divorce. Nip that risk in the bud by avoiding debt when you assess your wedding expenses. A CFP® professional can help you think outside the box and guide you in making smart financial choices during the wedding planning process.

Visit LetsMakeAPlan.org for more information about managing wedding expenses and planning your financial future.