Is modern dating really broken? A study says not really

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Photo: Nathan Dumlao/Unsplash

(SNS)- Dating has never been easy.

It is hard because it involves navigating a complex mix of emotions, expectations, and external pressures. From high standards and fear of rejection to miscommunication and cultural influences, the challenges vary from person to person and relationship to relations.

Add into the mix social isolation created by technology, pandemic lockdowns and potential partners’ unrealistic expectations from movies and TV shows that show failling in love as effortless and magical, setting unrealistic expectations for real-life relationships. Yeah, finding the love your life is hard.

Pop culture critiques tend to regard today's dating ritual as "broken".

Two studies performed a decade apart found that college students' ideas about romantic relationships have largely remained unchanged over time, according to study leader Brian Ogolsky, a professor of human development and family studies at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign.

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Photo: Unsplash/Anthony Tran

"College students in our study did not share this perception of dating as a broken system, despite many massive cultural shifts during this decade," Ogolsky said, dispelling the popular myth that today's singles are unability to find a romantic partner because dating culture is 'broken'. "Their perspectives on relationships today aren’t that different from what they were 10 years ago — or even 10 years before that. Instead, young adults are taking more diverse and multifaceted pathways through romantic partnering and considering a broader range of outcomes."

The study asked 250 college students between the ages 18-29 to "describe their thoughts and experiences about the typical initiation and progression of romantic relationships." The initial research started in 2012 and it was ran again in 2021.

Based upon participants’ responses, the researchers identified four stages in relationship development: flirtationship, testing relationship potential, being in a relationship, and commitment.


Commitment or Bust, is the point where a couple agrees to a long-term commitment

Flirtationship is the initial stage where attraction begins, often through flirting and shared interests, either online or in person.

The next step is Testing Relationship Potential, where the couple spends more time together, engages in deep conversations, and determines if they want to pursue a serious relationship, with friendship playing a key role.

When a couple reaches the third stage, their romantic needs have been met and their status as a couple is made official. The "In a Relationship" level usually denotes that mutual boundaries have been defined, such as a commitment to exclusivity and supporting each other emotionally, financially, and in their individual careers. At this point, couples are introducing their partner into their social circles and family.

“Young adults clearly distinguish dating from being in a relationship,” Ogolsky told the Illinois News Bureau. “In our study, we used the term ‘relationship development’ to describe the activities we were investigating, but it became clear that participants did not view early behaviors as part of being in a relationship per se. Instead, they viewed flirting and even dating as part of a broader pattern of interpersonal interaction that may or may not eventually lead to the formation of a relationship.”

Depending on external pressure from family, friends, or their cultural background, the final stage, Commitment or Bust, is the point where a couple agrees to a long-term commitment, either living together or getting married. Or, in the worst case for one or both partners, they may choose to move on in search of their happily ever after with someone else.

Ogolsky speculated that during the ten year period, the rapid growth in social media and dating apps would greatly affect how today's students approached dating.

"When we ask people about relationship prototypes, they’re not talking about technology," he explained. "They’re thinking about relationships in broad strokes. And we found it interesting that the centerpiece of relationships was not dating apps, artificial intelligence or robots or all the other things we may have predicted 25 or 40 years ago."


Traditional relationship milestones like engagement and marriage are no longer seen as necessary next steps these days.

Today, more young adults value the freedom and flexibility of being single, enjoying the ability to make decisions without considering a spouse or partner. Many prioritize bucket lists - travel, personal development, and reaching career goals - before settling into a lifelong commitment.

Observing failed marriages among friends or family members, especially a messy one or two, is powerful deterant. According to the Centers for Disease Prevention and Control (CDC), the current divorce rate nationwide is around 42%. The average first marriage lasts about eight years.

Financial instability due to changing career changes, debt, inflation, and student loans payback often delay couples entering into marriage. The cost of a modest wedding for two hundred guests is eye-opening.

Traditional relationship milestones like engagement and marriage are no longer seen as necessary next steps these days. Couples are choosing alternative paths such as cohabitation or long-term partnerships without marriage. While the steps to long-term commitmment may have not deviated that much in the past decade, navigating to that point certainly has.


More stories worth reading ~

Opinion |
The end of Anti-Woke politics?

from Jim Hightower

Well, well, well — look who’s waking up and raring to go: Mr. and Ms. Woke!

We so-called “woke” people have been the target of far-right politicos and front groups that are frantically trying to ban us and our ideas from America’s political discourse. In the past few years, such thuggish gubernatorial demagogues as Ron DeSantis have perverted the power of Big Government to attack teachers, librarians, public agencies, and even beer. Beer!

Why? Because such people and organizations make educational efforts to reduce bigotry, hatred, and exclusiveness in our society. “That’s woke,” screech the ultra-rightists, demanding that any talk about racism, sexism, gender discrimination, or other ugly realities in America must be suppressed.

Like the witch hunters of old, today’s pious puritans of ideological conformity have demonized such basic values as diversity and equity, calling them “toxic.” DeSantis outlawed any teaching of them in Florida universities, and then he cut sociology from the core curriculum of the state’s educational system — essentially cutting out “us,” the study of humanity.

If ignorance is bliss, the DeSantis clique must be ecstatic, for they are eliminating crucial lessons in the art of tolerance, community, sharing, collaboration, and getting along together. You can have a society that works for the benefit of all — or a DeSantisWorld, where the few rule, and everyone else is forced to conform to their biases.

But the great majority of Americans are rebelling and saying: “We are woke!”

Even Republicans flatly rejected DeSantis’ presidential campaign that promised to “Floridize” America with anti-woke nonsense. And far from wanting to reverse efforts to increase diversity and inclusiveness, a recent poll found that 70 percent of Americans (including half of Republicans) say our country “needs to do more to increase social justice.”


About the author ~

OtherWords columnist Jim Hightower is a radio commentator, writer, and public speaker. This op-ed was distributed by OtherWords.org.


CUPHD Justice Coalition to present panel discussion on Black health, wealth & wellness

CHAMPAIGN - The Champaign-Urbana Public Health District will host a panel discussion on Black Health, Wealth & Wellness on February 22 during Black History Month. The main focus of the conversation will be on the advancement and evolution of Black health, wealth, and wellness within the Champaign-Urbana community.

The CUPHD's Justice Coalition will moderate the discussion. The doors at 201 West Kenyon Road in Champaign will open at 5:30 p.m. for light refreshments, with speakers starting at 6 p.m.

The panel's primary goal is to "provide a space for the community to share information and discuss mutual obstacles."

Attendees are encouraged to park in the north entrance lot and enter the building through the main conference room door.



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